Christian Marriage Sex Problems – 3 Common Lovemaking Challenges For Christians

There are 3 common Christian marriage sex problems which couples experience. They all can be easily overcome, it just takes communication, dedication, and a solid commitment to want to greatly improve your sex life.

Here are 3 common Christian marriage sex problems:

Not Initiating Sex.

This is a very common marital problem when it comes to sex. Usually it will be the same person again and again who initiates sex. For example, it may be the Christian wife who is the one who has to initiate sex. This can be a big weight to always have to get the other person excited about sex and the wife may begin to question if her husband is even interested in sex since he is never the one initiating it.

The truth is he most likely is interested, but the two of you have become woven into a familiar pattern. Once a pattern forms, it becomes uncomfortable to break. So while the husband is likely interested in sex, he may just feel uncomfortable in initiating it. Make it clear that he has to be the one to get things going every now and then. Allow him to stumble and fumble around at first when trying to initiate lovemaking, as he will likely still be in that uncomfortable, unfamiliar state.

Not Enough Sex.

This is an often heard complaint as far as Christian marriage sex problems go. A variety of reasons can be to blame. Often it is a fear that too much sex is somehow “bad”. Another common cause is performance. There may be performance issues that make it uncomfortable for married Christians to have sex as often as they should.

Remember that sex is a wonderful, beautiful thing that should be celebrated as often as is comfortable which each. Research together on what should be allowable in your sex life, and learn how to improve performance, in order to get past any road blocks which are preventing the both of you from having enough sex.

Not Being Satisfied During Sex.

This can go for both the husband and wife, but usually it is one of the two that is not being satisfied during sex. It’s a common Christian marriage sex problem, and a lot of the time it is the husband who is at fault.

Usually it is a situation of not lasting long enough during sex. This is very understandable and natural. The female takes longer than the male to experience orgasm. And many times the male falls susceptible to a common problem called “premature ejaculation”. The good news is that the Christian husband can get passed this problem, by learning techniques, performing kegel exercises, and utlizing a variety of mental tricks that will transform him into a longer lasting lover.

Experiences That Are Sweeter Than Sex and Pornography

Gaining freedom after days, weeks, months or years of incarceration: If you think freedom is cheap and unimportant please rethink. Some prisoners can pay anything to come out of detention centers. When you are locked-up, your top priority is freedom and the taste for sex dies naturally. Maybe, the prisoner’s jail term is seven years and he gains freedom within one year, which type of sex will give him the type of joy he will feel. Prisoners that have sex drives are those that are comfortable with the prison condition or those that are used to confinement. Be as it may, no sex can taste better than the prison warden opening the prison gate and tell to go home. The sweetest word in prison is freedom and not sex. The thrill of freedom cannot be compared to the skeletal pleasure of sex. The agony of being held hostage by kidnappers is immeasurable. Therefore, the joy of gaining freedom after staying with persons that could kill their hostage anytime can never be measured with the pleasure of sex.

Being vindicated from a crime you did not commit after several attempts to prove your innocence: It is only those that have tasted the pains of being wrongfully accused of committing a crime that knows the sweetness of being vindicated. I have seen guys that have been wrongly accused of raping under aged girls. The burden of the false accusation will automatically kill the drive for sex. Let’s say a happily married father of children is wrongfully accused of raping a ten year old girl. Possibly, he might be well respected in his religious and career circle. The result might be threat of divorce from his wife, disrespect from his children, and sack from work as well as excommunication in place of worship. This man’s exoneration is far more pleasurable than sexual intercourse. I have weigh elation of persons vindicated from crimes they were incorrectly accused of and discovered that it beats sex fun.

Easing yourself after being pressed for a long time: I have once been in a bus travelling from Imo State to Rivers State in Nigeria. The journey will take about two hours. Immediately the bus took off, I became very pressed, it was clear that I must visit the toilet to poo immediately. I thought I could endure it until we get to Port Harcourt since it was already 9pm and no driver will stop at the road side to enable me defecate for the fear of armed robbers. From that moment I lost my peace. I was uncomfortable about everything. I felt like sitting down, standing up, moving left and right all at the same time. The night was cold but I was sweating confusedly. At a point the waste was almost coming out of my anus, I almost cried. At this point, not even the most beautiful girl in the world, together with her counterparts in all the continent of the world would arouse my sexual urge. All I wanted was to be free and avoid the embarrassment of soiling myself. We got to the motor part and I immediately rushed to the toilet leaving all my belongings in the bus. The way I felt as I was defecating, no sexual intercourse can be delightful than that.

Meeting an old close friend after several years of losing contact: You cannot measure the amount of joy you feel when you meet an old time or a childhood friend. The careless shout, the scream, the hug and kiss are proofs of the pleasure of meeting an old friend. Maybe you are now forty years old and your very close pal when you are five just surfaced after about thirty five years of loss of contact, the pleasure cannot be compared with sex. You will sit with the friend, call yourselves old nicknames, tell life’s stories and before you comprehend you will spend hours with him unconsciously.

Succeeding in an examination after several attempts: Consider the pains of paying a fresh tuition and examination fee, the agony of failing after several day and night readings, and the shame of being mocked and the disappointment of seeing your classmates move to higher class while you repeat. All these and more will make anyone celebrate success in a particular examination after several attempts to pass. You might not understand what I am saying until you have failed a particular examination for six times and finally overcomes it at the seventh time.

Your team winning a match that you thought it was impossible to win: It was in the 1996 Olympic Games and no African country has ever won gold in football. In one of the semi-final matches Nigeria was playing against Brazil and the score was 3:1 in favour of Brazil. Everyone including me felt the match was over until Nwankwo Kanu scored both the equalizer and the winning goals respectively. That night I saw Nigerian run out of their houses into the street starkly naked. I saw very responsible men carrying their wives cooking pots, washing bowls, mortar, etc. on their heads and running in the street. Some laid down on the highway regardless of series of cars on the road driven by joy inflicted mad drivers. Which kind of sex can make a man feel this way?

Getting a job after several years of unemployment: Receiving an email informing you to resume work the next day after several years of job hunting is pleasurable than sex.

Another test conducted on you shows that you do not have the incurable disease that the former medical test showed you have: Confirming that the formal results of a medical test that shows that you have an terminal sickness is incorrect is more desirable than sex. The lab scientist just discovered that he used a Leukemia patient’s blood sample to run your own test and he is kneeling before you, apologizing for his error. No kind of sex or pornography can make you feel the way you do after this confirmation.

Becoming millionaire after years of living in poverty: Poverty can be frustrating and suicidal. When an underprivileged unexpectedly turn out to be wealthy, sex pleasure cannot be compared to such happiness. Maybe, a Hundred Dollars per month salary earner just won a jackpot of Two Million Dollars; no pornography can be compared with his joy.

Peace after a long time of political, tribal or religious war in your country: Go and ask the people of Libya, Syria, South Sudan, Nigeria, Iraq, etc, what is their greatest prayer; the common answer will be peace. It is only the living that can have sex, what people in this country want is peace, therefore when they get it, it is sweeter than sex.

Knowing that your little assistance helped to save someone’s life, job or destiny: Recognizing that the Ten Dollars you gave to your neighbor paid for the drugs that saved his son’s life, identifying that the little training you offered to a man help him in getting a better job or the few advice to gave to that teenager helped him quit drugs can give a great measure of satisfaction than sex or pornography.

Being alive after you thought you will die from a sickness, accident or an attack: You are driving in a fast lane face-to-face with a truck whose break just failed. You just close your eyes, expecting the loud bang because there is no where to hide. Few seconds later you opened your eyes hoping to see heaven’s gate but discovered that you are still driving your car. The truck had crossed to the other lane and crushed more than seven cars. Which sex or pornography will make you feel the way you feel when someone points a gun at you head and you hear a gunshot sound only discovered that the police just shot your attacker from behind?

Getting commendation and recommendation from your employer after everyone around thought you were incompetent: Praise from an employer that has never seen anything good about you can be far better than sex. Perhaps, you have been tagged the black sheep of the organization and there are even plans of sacking you. But, your employer comes up one day and gives you an award as the best staff of the month and a promotion letter.

Accomplishing a task you thought was too big for you to do: Completing a mission that you and most people feel is impossible generates greater pleasure than sex. Most inventors have little or no regard for sex because their discoveries satisfy them. The happiness in doing great things overshadows the urge or pleasure of sex and pornography.

Being delivered of a baby after months of pregnancy. The discomfort, pain and sleepless nights of pregnancy are indescribable. The fear of complications or death during pregnancy is also scary. The anxiousness to see your offspring is tempting. The sought after prestige and honor of fatherhood is enticing. Therefore, no sexual pleasure can beat the first cry of a new born baby. That single cry is worth more than the goldmines of South Africa, No orgasm can defeat the sweetness of that cry.

How To Revive Your Sex Drive And Enjoy Sex Again

Chances are probably pretty good that when you got married, when you said “I Do,” you thought you would always “Do… it”.

While completely enveloped by the excitement of all the passionate, late nights during your honeymooning phase in the relationship, it’s a good bet you probably didn’t think much about the fact that your sex drive would decrease, in fact, you probably didn’t even know it was a possibility.

I mean, what with the great personality qualities you like, the wicked physical attraction to him; there’s no mistaking these are the reasons you decided to tie the knot in the first place. You had most likely heard of long marriages having their problems, like developing wandering eyes, the inability to find excitement in the bedroom, being easily irritated with your spouse, or even falling out of love; but you may have never thought you’d end up being in one of these marriages. This sort of thing was only supposed to happen to everyone else but you, right?

Unfortunately, life happens; the honeymoon period, which could last up to the first three years of your marriage, will ultimately fade, changing the way your relationship works, especially when it comes to sex.

Even though each relationship is unique, it is most likely that your relationship will follow the same path as most others have, go through the same stages. It seems that because there is a huge amount of attention given to sexuality, especially in intimate relationships, there is little room left to focus on the downfalls and issues that come up that many people are just unprepared to deal with and work through them. As we work to take care of ourselves, becoming exhausted by our jobs, or not being able to think of anything else as problems at work come up – even thinking of passionate sexual encounters just become more of a burden than something to delight at.

The fact of the matter is that there is much more you are responsible in your life other than making sure the two of you have an amazing relationship and sex life; finances, work, having children, dealing with the terrible twos, rebellious teenagers, taking care of your own parents. All of these things are part and parcel of living, having a family, and they all take away our focus and desire for sex. More often than not, even if you do continue having sex all along, it can become very monotonous; you go through the motions, and probably don’t even really remember it the next day because it’s exactly like the time before, and the time before that… Basically what this does is kill your once alive and kicking sex drive. It’s like figuring out which came first, the chicken or the egg; the less you have sex, the lower your sex drive, the lower your sex drive, the less you have sex. Therefore, it just becomes a vicious cycle; there’s seemingly no end, and you’re not quite sure how it began.

So how can we possibly bounce back from this? It’s very possible you will need to just grab the bull by the horns and put some urgent emergency action plans in place to revive a limp sex drive.

Just think about it, for those who currently have great sex, or have in the past, you know a lot of it has to do with your own mind, just thinking of some naughty things can get you going. If you want to start to get your sex drive on an incline, you’ve got to start thinking about sexual things. Even though I may not agree with fantasizing of other people, we should use what we’ve already experienced with our spouse; relive past encounters, invent new ones with some things you’d like to try that excite you. You cannot enjoy sex when you’re mind isn’t working, thinking about sex; the brain hasn’t been called the most important sexual organ without reason. So, we need to learn how to use it to get us back in the game. It can be as simple as just reading some great articles, watching illuminating videos, which can teach us and therefore allow us to know some areas where we need to just focus more energy. In the end, it is imperative that your mind shouldn’t be allowed to just sit there, never being used when it comes to your sexuality, and therefore eventually become empty of any thought of sex.

If you’re going to be a sexual person, you have to look like a sexual person. We are visual creatures, and dressing sexy is a great stimulant. When we look good, we feel good; and when we look good, we show that we are confident and feel good about ourselves. It’s just a snowball effect of feeling sexy and exuding sexiness. It’s so simple to just go out, pick up a new outfit, a new bottle of perfume, maybe a makeover, or new hairdo; this all just goes to show that we still care what we look like to our own self, and our spouse. Even though we all become very used to living with our partners, seeing each other every day, it is important to keep the surprise element in the relationship, even in the way we make ourselves look. This is also relevant for men; popping out to the gym a few times a week to get back the muscle that may have been lost over the years can be a great way to keep in shape and look and feel more attractive. If we allow ourselves to look like a wreck, we end up feeling like a wreck, and then more often than not, our sex life becomes a wreck.

The next thing you need to do is talk. We all know how powerful words can be, affecting us for the rest of our lives, in some cases. When you speak to your spouse in a flirty and sexy way, it can be an easy way for you to start reconnecting as a sexual couple. You can do this by initiating it yourself, deciding to talk together at the same time; more often than not, if you are telling each other all of the things you would like to do, and miss doing, this will be enough to get you both going. The words you speak can be like a romantic, sweet, poetic, and flowery love letter; or you can get naughty and use graphic words, like a passionate novel. You can write them, speak them; heck, why not both? Whatever you may choose to do, use this sexy language to help you increase both your sex drives in a boring marriage – all that you need to do is either open your mouth, or pick up that pen.

Don’t test the waters first, just jump in. Well, you haven’t had sex in a while, your interest is nigh nil, and you would really like to fix this and get that sexual spark back. Just have sex. “Just do it,” as Nike’s catch phrase tells us. There’s solid research that shows that the more we have sex, the more we want to have sex. Keeping up a healthy sex life allows the brain to release a hormone called oxytocin, which lends strength to our attachment, our bond to our spouse, leading to more desire for sex. Sex is also good when you’re in a bad mood, it changes the chemicals flowing through our bodies, so just allow it to happen. It’s also very important to keep in mind that keeping away from sex because you are waiting for only the most magical of moments to have it can be incredibly counter-productive. Just jump in, even if you don’t feel in the mood, you could be pleasantly surprised by how good you feel during and after.

Keep a lookout for good advice. If you are suffering from a low sex drive, and lack of sexual encounters in your relationship, it is possible that there are some serious issues that need to be dealt with that are affecting the lack of desire for sex. These issues should not be made out to be nothing, or ignored. When it comes to abuse, infidelity, or previous individual trauma, it would be a very good idea to seek help in resolving and healing. Finding a counselor, therapist, or even your pastor to help you heal old wounds can help you to open up to your sexuality again. If this is the case, then getting your sex life back on track may need you to be strong and finally deal with the issue, whether it is an issue the both of you share, or an individual issue. This will take time, but it is the foundation for a stronger sexual relationship in the future.

Cultivating a Profound Relationship With Your Sexuality

Let’s talk about sex!

But let’s talk about it in a different way. We’re not going to talk about the oh-that-feels-so-good, get-me-off kind of sex, but the kind of sex that is all-encompassing where you feel you are making love to life.

This is a journey of remembering the profound nature of your sexuality and the wild ride which may await you.

Your relationship with your sexuality is like a dance, and you can reap great benefits when you learn to trust this part of yourself. Are you ready to embrace letting go of everything in order to feel the infinite places this kind of relationship with your sexuality may take you?

Sex is magic. It is an unspoken language that deserves reverence, understanding, deep listening. It is voice, it is expression and your personal presence. When you truly open yourself that way, a force arises in you that has a presence like a black-belt black-belt or a Samurai warrior: one graceful step takes you out of harm’s way, your decisions are decisive and they align with your own body, mind, sex, and spirit.

With the right intention, you can truly unleash your spirit in your sex life.

This is where you bring your potent, rooted, turned-on self, to share with another who matches you in their own rooted, emotionally clear, turned-on self. And it does not depend on physical penetration. It is a shamanic journey in itself, so hold onto something or just be willing to lose everything.

Because each moment life will either penetrate you, will come towards you because you attract it – or it will be repulsed by you and remain at arm’s length; you will be untouchable, un-penetrable.

Now imagine cultivating such a relationship with your sexuality which was far beyond the mere act of sex with another person. How different it is from that boring old story: meeting someone in a bar, feeling physically turned on, taking them home, having wild, explosive, sex, and it being over and fizzling out. You know, the sex where it’s all about thrusting? It only touches the physical, superficial layers of your being.

And then there is sex that is abusive. where there is no awareness at all. All that shows up is disconnect. One is so consumed with their emotional burdens and pains that, rather than receiving what they need to transform and be loved, they lose touch with life. They may walk around not feeling their body and all they feel and know is anger, rage, sadness, discord.

Let’s not judge these situations as right or wrong. Let’s look closely and use them to finally bring some much needed awareness and compassion to the topic. Let us discover what it is that all beings need to receive to finally remember and enjoy the richness of this connection with their own sexuality.

Sex is far bigger than many of us realize. We aren’t taught as children about the potential and bigness of our sexuality and life force. Sex, we are taught, is this superficial thing we give away, share with another for great pleasure or feel obligated to give away to another. And yet it is so powerful that it can stir up so much emotional chaos.

As I sit here and write, after a one-hour vipassana meditation on my week-long solo retreat, I feel my body so open, so available to life. I close my eyes and feel the pumping of my blood through my veins, the temperature changes within my body, the softness and tensions of various parts of my musculature. I feel as if life is entering my heart and caressing my sex!

I am in tune with the subtle movements of the trees, the soft caress of the wind. My ears are so sensitive to the sweet sounds of the song birds, the buzzing of the bees, and the echoes of the crows in the distance. Vitality, connection, information and wisdom. I am in my eyes, being penetrated by nature. I have said yes to joining, in divine partnership, with what life offers.

But it was not always so.

The Exploration of my personal sexual evolution:

Exploring my personal sexual evolution takes me back to when I was ten years old, to when my menstrual cycle began, to the heavy blood flow and extreme physical and emotional pain that came with it.

This was the beginning of learning about who I was as a sensitive sexual being. So often this stage of life for a young woman or young man is overlooked. What was the environment like for you during this rite of passage called “puberty?”

My parents were newly separated at the time. I remember being with my father out for breakfast at a small town restaurant in Connecticut. It was morning, most likely on a Sunday because I spent the weekends with Dad.

I remember suddenly being hit with so much physical pain and cramping, the start of a very heavy cycle. This was the beginning of some big changes in my body, and no one ever sat me down to talk to me about the emotions, the physical discomfort and the feelings that would only grow from this day forward.

So often children are left to figure things out for themselves. These days there are many places where the way children are raised in holistic mindful ways is increasing, which is an extraordinary gift. When I was ten years old things were not so open yet.

Being as sensitive as I was, I can imagine how much easier puberty would have been if I’d had the support, the community, even a mentor as a younger child to help me understand my body, my emotions and my sexuality on a bigger scale.

I traveled many places on my sexual journey, and many of the places I traveled are considered not-so-conservative by some. Her (my sex) and I have explored many places together and today we have created an enriching relationship. I have always been an explorer of life and human nature. And in all my explorations of life I have always had a deep reverence for (her) my sexuality.

I explored fun places, riding that dangerous edge with my sexual energy and discovering the vast world of pleasure through my teens – even though I did not share the fullness of my virginity until I was eighteen. I waited for no other reason than I always felt that when someone was going to penetrate me in such a way and enter my body, they needed to have a certain amount of presence and care.

In my 20′s things took a turn for me. After three years in a relationship, I found myself curious about life again, open to adventure and the changes happening within me. My partner at the time was not as sexual as I was. We would joke that, at 20, he was like he was 60. He understood this and we laughed about it, and at times, even processed about it.

My sexual life force and connection pulsed through me and I yearned to be met in this way. I yearned to have a partner to share this wordless communication with. We loved each other but we had different needs at the time. Back then I did not yet have the tools to communicate my sexual needs. I was in an environment where I didn’t understand whole parts of my emotional body.

Then it happened: the kiss. A single kiss I shared with a man I was attracted to who was not my boyfriend – that triggered an avalanche of guilt, shame and self-punishment. I judged myself so harshly, and, without the support to help me understand my feelings, I instantly ended my relationship. It is not what my boyfriend wanted, but I ended it. I felt confused, very confused.

Today I am grateful to be aware of just how many ways there are to relate. That awareness took two decades of self-transformation and cultivating rich relationships to develop. Twenty five years ago, I was still stuck in a shell of old concepts, conditioned stories and other people’s truths.

This is when I entered the wild, free-spirit nymph phase of my sex life.What began as a free-spirited nymph who was open and light-hearted shifted into a place to run and hide my heart.

These were an intense few years where shame and self-punishment lead the way. I dishonored my body and spirit with sex, and I dismissed my voice because I thought I was undeserving. This is when I forgot that sex is magic.

For me, sex became less about feeling, and more and more about emptiness. I allowed men to touch me the way they wanted – in whatever way they wanted. It became all about getting the guy in bed, and it hurt, physically and emotionally.

The years started to numb me out. I grew more and more numb until finally I had no choice. Everything in my life came to a full stop. It was a wake-up call. After nearly six years of intense competitive bodybuilding, dysfunctional relationships, and disconnection from my sex and my emotions, I collapsed. It felt like my life was over, yet it was the start to actually living!

It was time to allow all that experience to be my teacher, to be the wisdom and the fuel for serving others. It was time to cultivate a new relationship – body, mind and spirit – with myself through nearly seven years of celibacy. I knew it was time, and that I had the power within me – that, indeed, I was the only one who had the power – to change my life and my relationship with my body and my sex.

Looking back is so interesting. Today I feel alive in my sexual journey, giving voice to my sex and giving my desires permission to be lived. I put my personal story here so that you know you are not alone. We are in this together!

Today, this article is here to supply you with information and support to do something different. Together, we will revolutionize your relationship to intimacy, to sex, to connection, to life itself! I want you to know that you don’t have to wait until something big knocks you on the head or drops you to your knees to start your revolution.

I have worked with clients who were stuck in a phase of repulsing life. I had one client say “I think my guardedness and armor is very much needed and beneficial in life.” I’m not trying to say that putting up armor is right or wrong. Rather, I want you to think about how deeply you desire to feel, to be touched, to feel alive, tuned in, creative, aroused; how deeply do you want to experience the fullness of life?

My sexuality is potent and in flow, even when physical penetration is non-existent. She (sex, sexual energy) is flowing, is creative. She is alive when I allow myself to listen to her, to embrace her, to touch her through my presence.

My sexuality is a language and the act of sex is a form of communication. It is a place where, when my partner matches my presence and connection, words no longer matter.

My sexuality is a kind of meditation; and meditation is a sexual act. In meditation, you becomes so still: you observe, you fill up, you open, and allow life and spirit to fully enter you. I want life to penetrate me. All of nature, the sounds of nature, the wind, the warmth of the sun, the water’s caress. I love feeling so alive, for, are we not meant to experience life to the fullest?

Through cultivating this partnership with nature and life itself, you are able to explore, get to know yourself in rich new ways. Why? Because you will be more open, more aware, sensitive and present.

To engage so deeply in sex, we must approach it from a holistic viewpoint. Sex is not a mere physical act where our genitals are touched to the point of orgasm. It is not even about reaching orgasm. I am so tired of hearing about the power of orgasm.

I believe it has become a distraction from cultivating a rich, deep relationship with sexuality and the penetrative reality of nature and life itself. Stop seeking the quick pleasure, the shallow bliss! Stop getting drunk on orgasms! They are a distraction. You can go deeper!

I am not saying to stop orgasming as orgasms are a part of our sexual nature. However, I am inviting you to uncover more, to broaden your perspective. Yes, orgasm is a part of our sexual experience, but it is such a small part of our potential experience. Think about the sensations that lead up to orgasm, that energy.

You know, where you lips start to quiver, your body heat rises, sweat dripping from your thighs, your heart and pussy become one. What if this aroused energy was there beyond the sexual encounter that may have stimulated it, yet you were not dependent on having an orgasm or outward response to maintain it?

When you show up with reverence and devotion to yourself, your sex is a part of that self, it mirrors how you relate to others. With reverence for yourself, you naturally begin to feel and see life differently. From this place of self-love, you can allow life to make love to you in every moment.

You move with a sense of grace, a sense of ease, of connection, of awareness, presence, compassion and even fierce vulnerability. There is power in this. Yet this power, which lives in your center, is not one of force or of manipulation, it is one of understanding.

Imagine your life, relationships and interactions are touched by such qualities. Your actions would become quite different. Like a martial arts or Qi Gong master, your movements change because life, breath, feeling is moving you. Your choices are different. People respond differently to you.

You melt a room like butter when you walk through it. You know where your own boundaries and the boundaries of others lie. Communication and conversation provide means for intimacy rather than argument. You become more productive and creative, which leads you to feel fulfilled on all levels.

Sex shifts from hard, physical, forceful penetration to ravishment, to whole-bodied, spiritual penetration that touches your soul.

A sexual union where even the slightest of touches puts you into greater connection with “pure existence”. Thought disappears, replaced by awareness of the most intricate of movements. You and your partner dance as if you are one. In each breath you can feel life pouring more life into you.

You feel liberated and safe within your own self, where you may give voice to all your desires and fantasies. In all of this you never lose yourself for an instant. Rather, you find yourself, you unleash your spirit as you allow yourself to disappear into formlessness.

What has your journey with sex been like? What mantles of shame, embarrassment, and unworthiness have you taken-on regarding your own potent beautiful sex?
I believe that when we open through sex we have the ability to feel the universe. Sex is as mysterious as the universe, and at times that may feel scary, intense, beautiful, and magically sweet all weaved together.

I invite you to give thanks for all ways your sexuality moves through you, and for all the ways your sexual experiences have taught you. There is wisdom in everything!

I invite you, as I have done, to apologize to your body, heart, spirit and sex for the times you may not have honored this part of yourself; to apologize for the times you have tuned out your own voice or thought yourself unworthy.

Remember the resilience of your spirit!

Take time today to reflect on your sexual journey, talk to your close friends about your sex and how your relationship with sex has evolved over the years. Write it in your journal and do an honoring ceremony for you and your sexual evolution. Mourn, laugh and feel.
There is wisdom in your sexual evolution.

Your sex has a voice and she wants to be acknowledged, heard and seen. Your sex is far bigger than you may imagine, so today, take another step, lean in, and embrace the power of your sexuality!

Acknowledge your own brilliance, your worth, and your beauty!

Your Sexual Pleasure Points And Different Kinds of Sex

Sex oh sex! As soon as you feel sexy, the thread of your thought runs along the line of your orientation, either heterosexual sex, bisexual sex or homosexual sex, which refers to both gay sex and lesbian sex, respectively.

Being straight or heterosexual is what society sees as normal sexual practice, but the truth is that whatever sexual orientation anyone has is inborn. Whether you are Catholic about sex, attracted to the same sex or both sexes is all about how you feel. No one has the right to judge you, so long as you do not break the law with your sexual drive.

Everyone loves sex stories because they are good for sexual fantasies, yet discretion is the norm, lest people find out that you like sex, ha, ha ha. Which is why online free sex stories and free sex videos thrive like wild fire, especially patronized by teenagers who are already engaged in teen sex or about to commence their sexual drive?

Sexual arousal erupts from whence no one knows, just like your thoughts. Though sex is resourcefully the source of life and procreation, it is not solely for the purpose of procreation. Married couples don’t do sex every time to make babies. Often they engage in hardcore sex using the same sex positions in the videos they have watched. Married couples will readily engage in both oral sex and anal sex.

Sex is the fulfillment of an inner yearning for bodily pleasure. So, wherever the pleasure point is for people is where they take it, irrespective of what other people think. The pontificating people have there own pleasure points too.

The Sacredness of Sex:

Sex is a sacred spiritual practice that transcends all inhibitions. Even though most people will do so much to hide their true sexual feelings, because they are afraid of what society will say or do, yet sexual behaviors win all the same and, a man or woman will obey their sexual feelings and do sex the way they like it. Most people engage in sex games, watch free sex movies and use sex toys, as a matter of personal choice, for relieving sexual hunger.

Sexual Differences:

When interracial sex was frowned at by powers that were, it did not stop whites, who were inclined, from doing black sex or Asian sex. Some men engage in Gay sex because they favor doing sex with fellow men. These people abhor sex with the opposite sex, just as some women engage in lesbian sex because they favor doing sex with women and abhor sex with men. Some people are so liberal about sex; they do it with both sexes. Others do sex with themselves by way of masturbation; ha ha ha. Interestingly, this social behavior is evident also in animals.

I have seen this attitude in both dogs and goats. For instance, female dogs and goats, even when he-goats and “he-dogs” are around, make sexual advances on fellow she-goats and “she-dogs.” The point here is that homosexuality is a natural genetic structure. I have also seen videos in which humans do sex with dogs. Dog sex is so popular that you have thousands of people searching for it online on a daily basis.

Religious Altercation:

The controversy surrounding sex and homosexuals became uproarious when a particular Church began ordaining Gay Priests and Bishops to the utmost consternation of the thoughtless lot who cry to heaven about the insufferable sin of homosexuals.

For goodness sake, sex is a private practice that is not done in the open or at work. The services of an excellent Mathematics teacher who happens to engage in either Lesbian sex or Gay sex should not be denied his or her community just because of their sexual orientation. It does not make sense.

The Risk In The Sexual Pleasure Points:

Now don’t get carried away that it is your right to do as you please with your body and the body of your submissive partner. Unprotected, whether oral sex, anal sex or vaginal sex is foolish, to put it mildly. This is because in sex, bodily fluids mix between you and your partner. You truly become one in the act, so whatever diseases present in one find home in the other. The HIV/AIDS pandemic ravaging mankind today mostly gains easy access into its victims through different kinds of sexual orientations.

Before HIV/AIDS, Gonorrhea, Herpes, staph, syphilis etc were the common sexually transmitted diseases that sexual partners contracted and, they weren’t big deals, unlike today when careless unprotected sex is tantamount to committing suicide.

When sexy feelings erupt, enjoy your sexual pleasure points with a sense of responsibility for your sound health.

Top 10 Sex Myths – Where’s Your Head At?

Very few things that happen during sex are a disaster unless you choose to see them that way. When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at will change.

The Journal of Marital and Sexual Therapy recently reported that 1 in 4 of us are unhappy with our sex lives. Problems with sex arise out of a combination of factors: for example lack of confidence, communication difficulties, inexperience and lack of skill, unrealistic expectations, refusal to take responsibility for our own sexual pleasure and

What many people are not aware of is that there are a vast amount of beliefs and opinions about sex that we all have and take with us into every sexual encounter. For the most part, we are not aware of out particular biases and expectations yet these unexamined yet rigid convictions have the potential to ruin any sexual experience.

1. SEXUAL FANTASY IS A BARRIER TO INTIMACY

Many people prevent themselves from having the best sexual experiences that they could have because they believe that fantasy should be restricted to masturbation and should not be an aspect of partner sex. This could not be further from the truth. Choosing whether and when to share a private desire with your partner can be exhilarating. Yet sharing is not the point of fantasy. Fantasy is all about learning what turns you on and exploring your potential to express your sexuality. It is not unusual for women to have trouble reaching orgasm with a partner because of insufficient mental arousal. She probably knows how to orgasm through masturbation but feels too guilty to enter the realm of fantasy when with her partner. The ability to be intimate is enhanced by self-knowledge and confidence and the uninhibited expression and communication of fantasy can bring people closer together.

2. PENETRATION IS THE GOAL OF SEX

Concentrating on the destination rather than the journey is responsible for the burden placed upon men to ‘perform’ on demand but is only a part of a vastly wider area of sexual possibilities. Penetration is often made the center of sex, yet oral and manual sexual activity is likely to be at least as – and frequently more – satisfying for a woman. When penetration is seen as the ‘goal’ of sex, then foreplay becomes something that leads to proper sex, rather than being a pleasure in and of itself. When sex is reduced to being a rush towards the man’s ejaculation through penetration, then it is no wonder that so many people find sex to be disinteresting and boring. It is more that the definitions of sex in our culture are shallow and trivialize the majesty and mystery that sex can be.

3 MORE SEX MEANS BETTER SEX

Quality versus quantity of sex is likely to be different at varying times. It is unrealistic to expect that sex is always going to be mind-blowing and require a heavy investment of time and effort. Variety is the key. Getting stuck in a predictable routine that both partners play out means that sometimes both quantity and quality suffer. We are surrounded by misinformation about sex. Surveys that tell us how often everybody is having sex (or more realistically, how often people say they are having sex) become methods of establishing a spurious norm of sexual activity that you may try to replicate.

Quality can suffer if you are too intent upon upping the quantity of your sexual experiences. Many people feel under pressure to have a lot of sex but this does not mean that they are going to be a better lover or have better sex. It merely means that they have more sex. Compulsive sexual behaviour can be detrimental to your sense of who you are, what you have to offer, your work, relationships. It can mask low quality sex. Comparing yourself with your perceptions of other people’s sex lives is always a destructive mode to get into. The only thing that needs matter to you is your own sexual happiness.

4 I AM JUST NOT A VERY SEXUAL PERSON

Loss of sexual desire is a common concern for many people and it is an issue that has no single cause. When you have persistent thoughts about feeling unworthy, unloved, unwanted and of not deserving of great sex, not attractive enough, you may manage to convince yourself that you just are not very sexual. Everybody has sexual energy and the capacity to express and enjoy a fulfilling sex life. What can happen is that your negative thoughts about yourself mean that you lose touch with the sexual part of yourself and start to feel disconnected from your sexuality. Identifying the internal self-talk that is damaging your sexual expression enables you to begin to re-connect with your sexuality and believe that you are no different to anyone else: you deserve and are entitled to sexual happiness. You will need to change the way you think about yourself or your label will become a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are looking for evidence to back up a belief, you can always find it. It doesn’t make it right or true. It just means you see what you want to see, whatever helps you feel comfortable – even this is only the comfort to be found in what is safe, unchallenging and familiar.

5 BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE HAVE BETTER SEX.

Sex begins in the brain and sexual attraction and energy feed off of factors other than physical appearance. When you make love, you are so much more than your body. This belief feeds off the comparisons you make between yourself and other people. Beautiful people do not have more successful relationships, nor do they have better sex. Sexual fulfillment is about self-acceptance. The way you feel about your body is apparent to other people and can make sex a joy or a disaster. The danger with this belief is that you start to play the game of ‘If only’. If only I was thinner, more attractive, more sexually adventurous, then I can have the sex life that I want. When you make your dreams dependent upon some other change, then you reduce the chances that you will find the courage to make any changes at all. There is nothing to be gained by waiting. You need to start taking action to change now.

Your body image and the things you tell yourself about your sexual desirability are important factors that influence your sexual happiness. Whilst valuing your own desirability makes quality sex more achievable, loving your looks alone is no guarantee of a deeper and more solid sense of self-esteem. You can feel desirable but empty of desire. Self-acceptance and learning to love yourself extends beyond appreciating your attractiveness and incorporates an acknowledgment and respect of who you are, what you stand for and what you contribute to the world and other people.

6 THE CHILDREN MUST COME FIRST.

Many couples experience a decrease in their sexual satisfaction after they have had children. Believing that the child’s needs should always come first can mean that a total lack of privacy, time, energy and commitment makes sex a distant memory. Having children is a stressful time for every couple and the relationship dynamic will change. Balancing affection and attention between your children and your partner is a challenge that needs to be met head on.

Couples with young children need time alone to focus on each other’s needs and desires. They need to listen and respect each other and acknowledge their sexual situation, whatever it is. Being a mother or a father does not mean that you have to give up being yourself. It is important to set boundaries with your young children so that they know and accept that their parents expect privacy sometimes and are not always prepared to rush to fulfill their child’s needs on demand.

7. SEX IS NO LAUGHING MATTER

Playing, being silly and laughing are all great ways to deepen intimacy and enhance sexual pleasure. Some people believe that sex must be, can only be, ‘romantic’ and so attach a great deal of earnestness to the experience. It is possible to learn the benefits of lightening up. When sex cannot incorporate elements of play, it is often an indication of an impoverished emotional connection. Usually, it is not difficult to bring the fun back into sex, even if it feels a little forced at first.

When sex is viewed as about achievement and competition, then lightness and frivolity are likely to be absent. Keep in mind that sex is about whatever works for you and keeping play and foolishness a part of sex can help to prevent sex becoming a stale and predictable.

8. SEX MUST BE A GENEROUS ACT; I WANT TO SATISFY HIS/HER SEXUAL NEEDS

Great sex is both generous and selfish. Most people do get turned on by their partner’s arousal and this is fantastic but if you put all your energy into finding out what she/he wants, what about you? Who is giving you what you need? Being prepared to get your own needs met is an indication that you are willing to take care of yourself, rather than relying upon other people to meet your unmet and perhaps unvoiced desires.

Sexual communication is all about clarity, saying what you think and feel. It is also about setting boundaries, discussing what you do not like and both parties must be able to say no and for this to be accepted. If you find yourself having sex because you don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, think about what you are doing. Honour yourself and what you want and share any feelings of ambivalence. This means that intimacy levels can remain high and misunderstandings are not given opportunity to distort your relationship with your partner.

9. PREMATURE EJACULATION IS A SIGN OF A POOR LOVER.

Being unable to control ejaculation is a worry for many men. Most practically, even if you have had an orgasm, don’t leave your partner high and dry. Often feelings of shame, failure and anticipating your partner’s disappointment mean that his orgasm means the end of sex. It comes back to widening your perception of what sex can be and not being enslaved to ideas about sexuality that are widely circulated in our culture.

In terms of his sexual pleasure, learning how to manage his anxiety about performance and being able to talk to a partner are the most effective ways of building sexual confidence. Some of the informal strategies that are popular in our culture do more harm than good. For example, trying to delay ejaculation by distracting yourself with non-sexual thoughts will do little to enhance your sexual pleasure.
This strategy is more likely to create a feeling of disassociation for him from his own body and the situation that he is in. It may help him to delay ejaculation (although this is debatable) but consciously focusing away from your physical pleasure is unlikely to facilitate peak sexual experiences. Being emotionally present during sex is crucial to sexual awareness and intimacy. It is a far more successful strategy for a man to learn about how to control his ejaculation than to continue to consciously create emotional distance from his partner and the sexual experience.

Tantric sex exploration is a great way to learn the capacity to control male ejaculation as it teaches techniques that enable him to distinguish between orgasm and ejaculation. Contrary to popular belief they are not the same thing!

10. AN ERECTION IS ONE AND THE SAME THING AS SEXUAL AROUSAL

This is a difficult idea for many people to get their heads around. Sexual arousal happens within a context that is emotional, physiological and visual. If you think about the nature of desire and attraction, recognise that it is not always a purely physical response; it involves idiosyncratic and sometimes unpredictable preferences. Sexual desire just does not exist without a sexual context. It is confirmed/reduced by the accompanying emotions and thoughts that you focus on at any time. Men have erections of varying hardness according to how they are thinking and feeling at the time. An erection does not necessarily mean that a man is fully, or even a little, aroused. He may become erect without feeling particularly sexy.

For men who are insecure about maintaining their erection, confusing erection with arousal means that they often rush into sex before they are completely ready. If you habitually move from low arousal into sex, desire may well start to decrease. Part of the reason for this is that many men feel that they may lose an erection if they don’t immediately act upon its presence. Having sex in an atmosphere of fear and insecurity is not going to give you the best sexual experiences that you are capable of having.

There are many things that men can do to learn to have more confidence and control over their erections and ejaculatory control instead of ignoring his insecurity and depriving himself of great sexual experiences. Whenever your decisions and actions are motivated by fear and uncertainty, you are selling yourself short in some way or another. Many men are not sure about where their pleasure comes from during sex and experience a lack of understanding about their own bodies that means that they are unaware that their whole body can become aroused. If you are committed to gaining ore control over your ejaculatory response, invest in some of the many interesting and informative guides that enable men to delay ejaculation and become more connected with their sexual potential.

There are many other myths that run people’s sex lives. Whenever you find yourself thinking ‘he / she / I should / must / ought . . . ‘, you are probably listening to the demands of a sex myth that is taking you away from what you want and think and encouraging you to follow what other people want and feel. When are you going to listen to and follow you own rules?

Recognise that the thoughts that you have affect the sex life that you create. Know that you can choose to change the way you think and learn self-acceptance, respect for your sexual self and experience ease, excitement and power in the ways you choose to express yourself sexually.

© Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach, 2007

(c) Dr Tara Few, The UK Sex Coach. [http://www.uksexcoach.com] I am a sex and relationship coach and I work with people who know that sex is important to them but who feel that something is missing from their sex lives. I can help you to explore your own sexual style, desires and needs. Connnect to the fun and pleasure potential of your sexuality by working with me and you can become a happier and more confident lover.

Sex Addiction FAQ

1. What is sex addiction? Sex addiction is a way some people medicate their feelings and/or cope with their stresses to the degree that their sexual behavior becomes their major coping mechanism for stresses in their life. The individual often can not stop this sexual behavior for any great length of time by themselves. The sex addict spends a lot of time in the pursuit of his or her sexual behavior/fantasy or they may have a binge of sexual behaviors.

2. Why do people become sexually addicted? This is different for every sex addict but generally speaking there are biological, psychological, and spiritual reasons. The following is a short explanation of each reason why someone can become a sex addict. The biological addict is someone who has conditioned their body to receive endorphins and enkephlines (brain chemicals) primarily through reinforcing a fantasy state with the ejaculation that provides these chemicals to their brain. Psychologically, the need to medicate or escape physical, emotional or sexual abuse can demand a substance, the early addict finds the sex medicine usually before alcohol or drugs. Spiritually, a person is filling up the God hole in them with their sexual addiction. The addiction is their spirituality, it comforts them, celebrates them and is always available and present. Then there is the sex addict who can be two or even three of the above reasons. This is why a specialist in sex addiction is the best route for recovery with sex addiction.

3. What’s the difference between sex addiction and a high sex drive? I have heard this question on almost every national talk show or radio show I have been on over the years. A person with a high sex drive is satisfied with sex. It’s not about a fix for something; when their partner says “NO” it doesn’t make them go off the handle thinking their partner is totally rejecting them and have to leave the house or act out in some other way. If you can relate to this the chances are there may be an addiction issue.

4. Can you be addicted to masturbation? Yes, this is by far the most common sex addiction that I have treated in working with sex addiction. This usually is the first sexual behavior many of us will have on a repeated basis. This is usually where the sexual compulsion starts with sex addicts and this behavior, regardless of other acquired behaviors, usually stays active.

5. What role does pornography play in sex addiction? Pornography for many sex addicts combined with regular masturbation is the cornerstone for most sex addicts. Many sex addicts have great difficulty getting sober from this combination of behavior. The pornography with fantasy creates an unreal world that the sex addict visits throughout their adolescence and other developmental stages and creates an object relationship that conditions their emotional and sexual self to depend upon these objects and fantasies to meet their emotional and sexual needs hundreds of times before having sex with a real person.

6. Can someone be a sex addict and not be sexual with their spouse or committed relationship? YES! We call this later stage of sex addiction, sexual anorexia. In this stage of sex addiction, the addict prefers the fantasy world and fantasy sex with themselves or others instead of relational sex with their spouse or partner. The addict/anorexic avoids relational sex and hence this couple has sex infrequently and often at the partners request not the addict/anorexics.

7. What is it like to live with a sex addict from a partner’s or wife’s perspective? The partners/wives of sex addicts report many similar feelings about living with the sex addict. The feeling of aloneness is a common experience with partners of sex addicts, the sense that he can’t open up and tell you about his “real” self. The confusion of even after you do certain behaviors that this still is not enough and the hopelessness that there isn’t enough. Anger for many different unmet needs as a person and as a woman are often common.

8. Can partners get help even if the sex addict doesn’t? Yes, even if the addict stays in denial of their addiction the partner can receive help and support for herself. The feelings of anger, loss, loneliness and many other feelings encountered over the years of living with this addiction will effect a person. These feelings need to be dealt with therapeutically whether they stay married to the addict or not. The addiction was in no way your doing as a partner or wife, the addicts addiction started many years before you even met your addict. This addiction would have grown and damaged anyone they would have related to in any relationship.

9. Is there recovery for sex addiction? Yes, there is recovery for sex addiction. This recovery takes time and hard work especially in the first year but with guided help the sex addict can experience restoration in their emotional, relational, sexual, financial and even spiritual lives. I have seen marriages made better than they ever were and addicts live much happier lives than they ever thought possible. I have been in successful recovery over eleven years and I know it’s available for those who choose to work for and maintain recovery.

10. Is there research on sex addiction available? There is research being done in the field of sexual addiction. The monitored mail list of Heart to Heart Counseling centers provides weekly research information as well as excerpts from 101 Practical Exercises for sexual addiction recovery as well as Twelve Step discussions.

11. Can women be sex addicted? Yes! The number of women desiring treatment is growing significantly. The behaviors are the same as their male counterparts including: masturbation, pornography, internet activity, anonymous encounters and affairs. Over twenty recovering female sex addicts contributed in writing She Has a Secret: Understanding Female Sexual Addiction. This book plus the Secret Solutions Workbook, with over 115 helpful techniques for recovery is just for her. If you would like to set up a telephone counseling appointment to start your journey of recovery, call today. There is hope for female sex addicts to recovery.

12. Is there any way to help our children not become sexually addicted? Yes! Even though many of our adult male clients report that their fathers were sex addicts (porn, affairs, prostitutes etc.) they also report getting little to no proper sexual information to balance their sexual perspective. Good Enough to Wait is the first video of this kind to help your children understand sex and the brain, the long-term affects of pornography, long term sexual satisfaction and a whole lot more. This is the best combination of sex research and spiritual principles to date for youth to watch to give them a proper and currently informed sex talk.

The Treatment of Sex Addiction – An Analytic Approach

It is well known among people in the 12-step sex programs that of all the addictions, sex is the most difficult to master. Far from the notion that sex addiction is the “fun” one, the suffering of dealing with this affliction is enormous. The compulsion is so compelling that it is common for members of the sex recovering groups to be unable to maintain any continuous time of sexual sobriety, giving way to despair and hopelessness. Before treatment, sexual enactment is the addict’s only source of safety, pleasure, soothing and acceptance. It vitalizes and connects. It relieves loneliness, emptiness and depression. Sex addition has been called the athlete’s foot of the mind: it is an itch always waiting to be scratched. The scratching, however, causes wounds and never alleviates the itch.

Furthermore, the percentage of people who go to therapy or a 12-step program is quite small. The majority of sexual compulsives live in isolation filled with feelings of shame. Almost 100% of the people who come to me for an initial consultation, whether it be for compulsive use of prostitutes, phone sex, a fetish, cross dressing, or masochistic encounters with dominatrixes, relay that beneath the shame they feel in telling me their story, they also experience a sense of freedom that comes from finally being able to share with another human being the hidden, shameful, sexually compulsive acts that imprison them.

This is a condition that gradually bleeds away everything the person holds dear. The life of a sex addict gradually becomes very small. The freedom of self is impaired. Energies are consumed. The rapacious need for a particular kind of sexual experience drives the addict to spend untold hours in the world of his addiction. Inexorably, the compulsion begins to exact higher and higher costs. Whether it be on the internet indulging in sexual fantasies with fantasy people, being on the phone to the sex hot-lines, or frantically searching the net and the S&M clubs for someone who will act out a particular, ritualized fetish fantasy, or cruising the bars searching for the “one” who will have sex in a public toilet, or going to dungeons to be whipped, flogged and humiliated, sex addiction is a devastating illness that takes an enormous toll. Friends slip away. Hobbies and activities once enjoyed are dropped. Financial security crumbles as sums as high as $40,000 or $50,000 a year are spent on sex. Then there is perpetual fear of exposure. Relationships with partners are ruined, as the appeal of intimate sex with a partner pales in comparison to the intense “high” of indulging in the dark and devious world of sexual compulsion.

What is a sex addict? Sex addiction, of course, has nothing to do with sex. Any sexual act or apparent “perversion” has no meaning outside of its psychological, unconscious context. A simple definition of sex addiction is not dissimilar to definitions of other addictions. But a simple definition of this complex and intractable condition doesn’t suffice. What sets sex addiction apart from other addictions and makes it so persistent is that the subject of sex touches on our innermost unconscious wishes and fears, our sense of self, our very identity.

Current treatment might include participation in a 12-step program, going to an outpatient clinic, working with the Patrick Carnes material, aversion therapy, or the use of medications to stave off hypersexuality. Most therapy is cognitive-behavioral, designed to help the patient to control or repress the instinct for a period of time, usually out of a desire to comply with the group norms of their 12-step meeting or a need to please the therapist. While I recognize the efficacy the 12-step programs to provide structure and support, in my opinion, the reason that relapse is so prevalent is that these treatment modalities do not effect long-term structural personality change that eliminates the compulsion at its roots. Current treatment does not aim to transform psychic energies so that the reality sector of the mind dominates the personality so that the impulse to act out can be understood and controlled.

While the definition of sex addiction is the same as that of other addictions (recurrent failure to control the behavior and continuation of the behavior despite increasingly harmful consequences), sexual compulsion is set apart from other addictions in that sex involves our innermost unconscious wishes, fears and conflicts. Sex addiction is a symbolic enactment of deeply entrenched unconscious dysfunctional relational patterns with self and others. It involves a person’s derailed developmental process that occurred as a result of inadequate parenting. Hence, permanent growth and change are most likely to occur in the arena of contemporary psychoanalysis, which seeks understanding and repair of these unconscious dysfunctional relational patterns along with the development of a more unified and structured sense of self. This new personality restructuring can better self-regulate feeling states without the use of a destructive defense like sexualization and can find meaning, enjoyment, intimacy, meaningful goal setting and achievement from attainable and appropriate sources in life.

The remainder of this paper will give a brief overview of the historical psychoanalytic views about sexual deviance, and will then articulate the current analytic understanding about the dynamics and treatment of sexual compulsions.

Any discussion of historical psychoanalysis must, ipso facto, begin with Sigmund Freud. Freud formulated that sexual deviance occurs due to an incomplete resolution of the Oedipus complex, with its concomitant castration anxiety. Unconscious castration anxiety occurs in the person’s present-day consciousness in the form of fear of confrontation, retaliation, or rebuke, a sense of inadequacy, and perhaps doubts about gender identity. Sex addiction, according to Freud, is a defensive way to cope with a tenuous sense of masculinity combined with unrelenting anxiety about sex, women, intimacy, aggression, and competition. Analysts that followed Freud held varying views. Sexual compulsions derive from an insatiable need for approval, prestige, power, bolstering of self-esteem, love and security which are experienced as being necessary for survival. The addict experiences the absence of sexual acting out as a threat to his very existence.

Characteristic of any addict is a long history of a disturbed mother-child relationship. An unempathic, narcissistic, depressed or alcoholic mother has low tolerance for the child’s stress and frustrations. Nor is she able to supply the empathy, attention, nurturing and support that foster healthy development. The result in later life is separation anxiety, fear of abandonment and a sense of imminent self-fragmentation. This anxiety sends the sex addict running to his eroticized, fantasy cocoon where he experiences safety, security, a diminution of anxiety as well as the quelling of an unconscious wish to establish and maintain the missing, yet essential tie to mother. Typical of this person is the hope that he can find an idealized “other” who can embody, actualize and make concrete the longed for endlessly nurturing parent. This approach is doomed to failure. Inevitably, the other person’s needs start to impinge on the fantasy. The result is frustration, loneliness and disappointment.

On the other hand, a mother can be overly intrusive and attentive. She may be unconsciously seductive, perhaps using the child as a replacement for an emotionally unavailable spouse. The child perceives the mother’s inability to set appropriate boundaries as seductive and as a massive disillusionment. Later in life, the addict is hypersexual and has trouble setting boundaries. Real intimacy is experienced as an engulfing burden. The disillusionment of not experiencing appropriate parental boundaries is acted out later in life by the addict’s unconscious belief that the rules don’t apply to him with regards to sex, although he may be regulated and compliant in other parts of his life.

A major theme for all addictions is that they have experienced profound and chronic need deprivation throughout childhood. Addicts in general sustain emotional injury within the realm of the mother-infant interaction as well as with other relationships. Intense interpersonal anxiety is the result of this early-life emotional need deprivation. In later life, the person experiences anxiety in all intimate relationships. Because the sex addict has anxiety about being unable to get what he needs from real people and because his desperate search for the fulfillment of unmet childhood needs inevitably end in disillusionment, he inevitably returns to his reliance on sexual fantasies and enactments to alleviate anxiety about connection and intimacy and as a way to achieve a sense of self-affirmation.

Sex, for the addict, begins to be his primary value and a confirmation of his sense of self. Feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, and worthlessness magically disappear while sexually preoccupied , through acting out or through spending untold hours on the internet. However, the use of sex to meet self-centered needs for approval or validation precludes using it to meet the intimacy needs of a cherished other. Characteristic of this kind of narcissism is the viewing of other human beings not as whole people who have their own feelings, wants and needs, but rather as deliverers of desperately needed satisfaction that shores up a fragile sense of self. This sets up a cycle wherein his narcissism prevents him from deriving satisfaction from mutual, reciprocal relationships in real-life. Sexualizing, once again, is returned to as a magical elixir wherein his needs are magically met without having to negotiate the very real vicissitudes of intimate relationships.

A client of mine, a 48-year-old attractive single man, is in the process of the breaking up of yet another relationship. After spending years of living a noxious childhood household, he went into his own world of fantasizing and masturbation as a way to soothe and protect himself.

“When I was a kid, I was obsessed with beautiful women in the magazines. When I was able to date, I went through one woman after another. In adulthood, I knew there was sadness and anger I didn’t want to face. To evade them, I had a steady stream of women who worshipped me, soothed me, paid attention to my needs. I went to peep shows and I visited prostitutes. Many a night I would spend hours in my car circling the block looking for just the right street-walker to give me oral sex in my car. One night I had sex with a transvestite. I cried all the way home.”

He met a girl whom he designated as “perfect – my redemption, my salvation.” He became engaged but soon lost interest in the sex, which he described as “boring”. While still engaged, he started picking up hookers for oral sex in the car and began compulsively using phone sex.

His current relationship is breaking up because he picked a woman for her youth and beauty (which reflected well on his narcissistic self). The rest of the story is predictable. They moved in together and the beautiful, young, sexy female started become real and having needs of her own. He admits he never felt warmth or love for her; she was merely a supplier of his narcissistic needs. As the relationship deteriorates, he fights the impulses to return to sex with strangers who don’t make demand on him.

Another client of mine, a 38-year-old married man, has a compulsion to visit prostitutes. Three years into the treatment, he was finally able to talk about his anger towards his mother for depriving him emotionally through neglect and for never touching or caressing him. He can now make a connection between visits to the prostitutes and his hostility against mother for depriving him of sensual pleasure. He got lost in the mire of his parents’ constant feuding.

“When I was very young I would put a blanket on my genitals as a kind of soothing which I wasn’t getting from my parents. The rest of my life was a struggle to find other ways to soothe myself. When I discovered prostitutes, I thought I was in heaven. I can get sex now and be in total control. I can have it immediately, any way I want it, whenever I want it. I don’t have to concern myself with the girl, as long as I pay her. I don’t have to concern myself with vulnerability and rejection. This is my controlled pleasure world. This is the ultimate antithesis of the deprivation of my childhood.”

The use of sexualization as a defense is a common theme that runs through the psychoanalytic literature. A defense is a mechanism the young child devises to psychologically survive a noxious family environment. While this way of protecting himself works well for a period of time, the continuous use of it as an adult is destructive to the person’s ongoing functioning and sense of well being.

By losing himself in sexual fantasies and constantly seeing others as potential sex partners, or by erotic internet enactments, the sex addict is able to significantly reduce and control a wide variety of threatening and uncomfortable emotional states. Most addicts control or bind potentially overwhelming anxiety via the addiction process. Diminution of depression, anxiety and rage are some of the pay-offs that operate to facilitate and maintain life in the erotic cocoon.

I quote another patient which illustrates a case of narcissistic personality together with the use of sexualization as a defense. He is a 52-year old attractive, successful single man.

“I went on a date the other night. She wanted sex. I didn’t. It’s predictable. I don’t think I can even maintain an erection anymore. While a spend untold hours compulsively websurfing to live in my erotic fantasies, when it becomes real, when you find someone who seems to be the embodiment of your sexual pre-occupation, interest soon wanes as her wants and needs come into the picture. Sometimes, I don’t even bother with the pursuit of real women, because I know the inevitable result is disillusionment. I’m simply not prepared to meet somebody else’s needs.

Oddly enough, my life is still dominated by sex. It becomes the lens through which I view everything. I go to a family gathering and get lost in sexual fantasies about my teenage nieces. I live in constant fear of being found out to be a “pervert”. I see a woman on the train dressed in a way that triggers me, and I’m ruined for the day. Regular sex just doesn’t do it for me anymore. It’s got to be bizarre or forbidden or “out of the box”. I arrive at work in an erotic haze. Women around me are all objects of sexual fantasy. I’m distracted; not focused. If something requires my attention, when real life intrudes and yanks me out of my sexual preoccupation, I get angry. Real life is so boring. Ordinary sex with a girlfriend holds no interest for me.”

This patient uses sexualization as a defense. He uses his sexual pre-occupation as a way to ward off chronic feelings of loneliness, inadequacy and emptiness born of a childhood trying to get nurturing from a withdrawn, depressed mother. When stress or anxiety begins to overwhelm the regulation of his emotions, he is beset by intense urges to indulge in his fantasies and enactments. Sexualization thus becomes his standard way of managing feelings that he perceives to be intolerable as well as a way of stabilizing a crumbling sense of self-worth.

It is my belief that sex addiction requires a contemporary psychoanalytic approach. Psychoanalysis changed drastically in the 1970′s with the work of a prominent psychoanalyst who jettisoned the Freudian approach and established a kind of treatment that is particularly useful in treating sex addiction. Contemporary analysts no longer conduct treatment three-times a week on the couch. They do not unearth hidden meanings, or remain silent, or put themselves on a “thrown” as being the “One Who Knows”. The process is a shared one and the relationship between patient and therapist is co-created and mutual.

Some contemporary psychoanalysts use the concept of a vertical split in treating the addict. The split exists from inadequate parenting which results in structural deficits in the personality. Patients often report that they feel fraudulent, living two separate lives with two different sets of values and goals. They feel they’re acting out a version of “The Strange Case of Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde.”

One sector of the personality, the one anchored in reality, is the responsible husband and father. This part of the person is conscious, adaptive, anchored in reality, structured, and often successful in business. This is also the sector that experiences guilt and shame about his sexual behaviors and ultimately drives him to seek therapy to ameliorate his misery.

The “Mr. Hyde” side of the vertical split has a completely different set of values and seems to be impervious to his own moral injunctions. “Mr. Hyde” represents the unconscious, split-off part of the personality. It is impulse-ridden, lives in erotic fantasy, and is sexualized, unstructured and unregulated. This side of the vertical split seems to be incapable of thinking impulses through, and thus is oblivious to the consequences of his behavior. This is the part of the self that is hidden, dark, driven and enslaved.

A comprehensive discussion of the actual process of therapy is beyond the scope of this paper. Suffice to say, the therapist uses him/herself as an instrument in integrating the split which results in personality structure building. Treatment bridges the gap of the split. Its aim is the establishment of a relationship with the therapist that regulates emotional states, is used as a “laboratory” to bring to consciousness maladaptive relationship patterns, provides empathy and understanding and reconstructs the childhood origin of the addiction. The goal is an integrated self that is able to merely experience a sexual fantasy without being preoccupied with it and without acting out a damaging sexual scenario.

The patient achieves some ability to self-regulate moods, and to seek out adequate and sustaining available supportive relationships both in and out of treatment. He is then free to put sexuality in its proper place and free up energies to gain satisfaction from real relationships, pursue creative or intellectual goals, obtain pleasure from hobbies and activities, and have a heightened sense of self-esteem, thus enabling him to end his isolation. He is then free to love, to have deeply satisfying, self-affirming sex, work to his potential, and experience being a valued member of the human community.